Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein  

“So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa  

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West  

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” ― Jane Austen  

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx  

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.” ― Bertrand Russell  

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.” ― Rita Mae Brown  

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.” ― Chuck Palahniuk  

“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?” ― Henry Ward Beecherr  

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields  

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.” ― Lemony Snicket  

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.” ― Mae West  

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.” ― Terry Pratchett  

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” ― C.E.M. Joad  

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain  

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.” ― Markus Herz  

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ― George V. Higgins  

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzsche  

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer” ― Douglas Adams  

“Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.” ― Cassandra Clare  

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” ― Isaac Asimov  

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.” ― J.K. Rowling  

“Happiness is a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz  

“Never memorize something that you can look up.” ― Albert Einstein  

“It’s no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” ― Lewis Carroll  

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” ― Mark Twain  

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin  

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain  

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant  

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ” ― W.C. Fields  

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” ― Laurence J. Peter  

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams  

“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz  

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” ― Albert Einstein  

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome  

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein  

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ― Benjamin Franklin Wade  

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.” ― Thomas Szasz  

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” ― Jane Austen  

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz  

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss  

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen  

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson  

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin  

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen  

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” ― Mark Twain  

“The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams  

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” ― Mark Twain  

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin